I hate it when people make me feel guilty for not doing enough.

I just got off the phone with my mom, and we ended up having a big fight because she doesn’t think that I spend enough time with her.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was spending not one, but BOTH of my days off with her.

And now she says that I spend all my time with my dad.

I went out to dinner with him Thursday night, and Thursday night THREE WEEKS AGO.

That’s it.

And she starts crying and saying that she misses me and I never spend any time with her anymore. And that Sarah doesn’t even call her, ever. (For the record, Sarah keeps one of the busiest schedules I know — it’s not a mom thing; she has no time for anyone.) But that’s not my fault.

It’s just my schedule….first of all, it’s Oscar season, which I go crazy for every year, and each year I try to see all the nominated movies. I never see quite all of them, but I do see plenty. But since I took the schedule of working 2-10:30 PM, that has left me with no time to see movies, because movies never play outside that time (and if they do, it’ll be too late for me to catch the T home). Therefore, I’ve been consolidating my movie-viewing into only one per week or so, but I’ve been making it work.

And further, with working that schedule, I have no time for most normal people, except for those two days off per week. It has been hard enough dealing with just about every single one of my close friends moving away. Everyone has abandoned Boston — or is still in college (mostly with no plans to return to Boston). I’ve been reconnecting with friends I’ve known who are still in the area, but it’s hard consolidating all normal-people socializing time into two days a week. “I can do Thursday, or Saturday, but that is IT.”

And I’m trying. I’ve made some good friends in the past few months, mostly from work, and I’ve been hanging out with them and spending time with them (it’s good to know that some people have as crazy a schedule as you).

And in addition, I just moved to this new place, and it’s like starting over completely alone in a new city. I’m glad I didn’t have to provide any furnishings outside of my room, and I honestly have no desire to buy a dresser (which I need badly) because I’d rather spend the money on my trip around the world.

But here’s the thing — I feel like I’m doing well!

–I have a job that I’m doing well in, and I’m making more money than some of my friends.

–I’m paying my rent and my bills on time, including student loan bills, and nothing has ever been a problem.

–I have absolutely no credit card debt, and have yet to make a single late payment.

–I’ve been saving $340.00 every two weeks and putting towards my year around the world.

–I’m even getting fucking EXERCISE, living a 10-minute walk from the T!

–I’m healthy, I’m getting enough sleep, and I haven’t been having any problems.

–I’ve been spending time with friends, when I can, and with my family.

I think I’ve been doing good.

And for my mom to tell me that I’m not doing nearly enough, it makes me explode.

This past month, I’ve been doing a LOT of overtime, putting in 12-hour-plus days (including commute time) so that I can earn enough money to go to Texas and visit Beth for a few days. And enjoy one night at a “real” spring break destination, South Padre Island, which is something I have never experienced.

I am trying the best I can, and not only am I scraping by, it looks like I’m actually doing well!

And then I get hit with this….I feel like I’m a complete failure. Even though I know that my mom is acting on emotion and is saying things like, “Your sister and I are going to Florida next week and what are you going to do? Are you going to rely on your father to rescue you?”

FUCK. THAT.

My dad has not given me a DIME, save a few dinners out, and that’s the way I LIKE it — I don’t want anything from anyone. I am going to survive, AND thrive, through nobody’s help but my own. This is my life, and it’s entirely by my hands.

I’ve always been relieved since my parents got divorced (I had wanted them to for long beforehand), because it alleviated so much of the tension that was always present. But it didn’t completely end at that point. Once my mom moved out, I had to budget my time down to the hour, to make sure that I spent time with each of them was perfectly equal, so neither of them would have anything to complain about, and so I wouldn’t feel guilty in either direction.

It’s so hard to maintain that balance, even now.

I see my mom EXPONENTIALLY more often than my dad, because I know it means more to her, and for her to say that I spend more time with him than her — that is UNTRUE, UNACCEPTABLE, and UNFAIR, as I told her on the phone through tears.

I hate this.

But in all other areas, my life has been going really, really well. I just can’t wait to have $20,000.00 saved so I can take off and wander the world for a while. Fall 2009 can’t come soon enough….

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