I often call Disney for work, especially when my clients want me to arrange special events and experiences for them. Lately, I’ve been working on a project that required me calling Disney every few days. Since Thanksgiving is a crazy vacation time, I would often be on hold for long amounts of time.

When you call Disney, the hold music is always songs from Disney movies. Naturally, it gets annoying quickly.

And about a third of the time for me, the song was “Cruella De Vil.”

That must be the most annoying song known to man. And I should know — I have a history with it! The night after the first time I saw the movie (I was around six or so at the time), I was trying to go to sleep, but I couldn’t get the song out of my head.

I was crying and crying, and my dad had to come in to find out what was wrong. When I told him, in between hiccups, that I couldn’t get the song out of my head, he told me to sing another song in my head to get it out. “I CAN’T!” I wailed. It was bad.

Anyway, every few days, I would be on hold for about fifteen minutes and would be stuck listening to “A Spoonful of Sugar,” to “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,” to “Cruella De Vil” over and over and over. The cheery Disney employee would answer the phone, and I would feel my rage boiling up inside me.

And then they would wish me a magical day.

WHY MUST THEY DO THAT?!?!?!

I’m not inherently anti-Disney. I particularly think that the golden age of The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin was fantastic, and I love those movies to this day.

It’s just that as I’ve grown older, I’ve eschewed anything remotely cutesy, and Disney gets to me with its cutesy excess. One of my friends, Andy, used to work for Disney, and seeing how he and all Disney superfans treat the philosophy like gospel, it freaks me out! A LOT!

Example: Andy’s voicemail message, for quite some time, used to wish the callers a “magical day” as well.

I joke with my friends that it’s my black heart that makes me this way. There are very few animals I actually like (including Tricia’s dog Bandit, Lisa’s dog Teddi Bitchin’ and Alexa’s dog Jojo), I won’t see a kids’ movie unless my friends drag me (more on that later), and I generally can’t stand holiday cheer.

So, finally, after having all of this saccharine Disney crap thrown at me for well over a month, I caved.

It was Dudley‘s fault. He was the guy who answered the phone at Disney Dining. I remembered his name.

He was WAY too cheery. Most of the Disney employees were quick and efficient, doing work for me without any small talk. But Dudley clearly wanted to have a conversation with me.

“Soooooooo, tell me, when was your last visit to Disney?” he asked jovially.

“My last visit?”

“Of course, your last visit, silly!”

“Wow,” I said. “It’s been awhile. I was nine at the time, and I’m twenty-three now….fourteen years. They were building the Tower of Terror the last time I was there.”

“Weeeeeeeeeell,” Dudley replied, “I think it’s about time for you to plan a NEW TRIP!”

“No, I don’t think so,” I said with a laugh.

“Aw, why not?”

“Well, I’m going to Vegas soon, and I’m really more of an international traveler–“

“No, is there really anything better than Disney?” Dudley countered, a bit of a shriek in his voice.

That’s it. I was sick of this crap.

“It’s just not my thing,” I told him, gently but firmly.

“Well,” he sniffed. “Fine, then.”

He finished up our business and was curt in every remaining line.

“GOODBYE,” he snapped before hanging up. No “Have a magical day!”

Yikes.

And that moment changed everything.

I made my call to Disney three days later. There was no hold music whatsoever — only silence.

I did the work with the woman who answered the phone. She then told me to “Have a GREAT day.”

I’ve called a few times since, and there has been no hold music, nor has there been any mention of a magical day whatsoever. My co-workers, by contrast, have been getting the normal Disney treatment.

I HAVE BEEN BLACK-BALLED BY DISNEY, AND THAT’S WORSE THAN BEING BLACK-BALLED BY THE MAFIA.

Advertisements