And Relieve You of All Unwanted Currency

Sales clerk: Can I help you with anything?
Depressed girl: I just want to find the nearest window to jump out of.
Sales clerk: I can escort you to the highest point of the store.

–Toys ‘R’ Us, 42nd St

They’ll Have Their Own Reality Series within a Week

Girl #1: Okay, let’s go around the table and tell horrible hook-up stories.
Girl #2: Can anything top the time I woke up stark-naked in London after a night partying in New York?
Girl #3: No one can top that. Unless you consider the time I stole a guy’s car in the middle of the night so I wouldn’t have to do the walk of shame.
Girl #4: Don’t forget the part where you wrecked it and went to jail…

–Spice Market, 13th & 9th

Where Have You Been?

Drunk, to queer: Fag!
Queer: … Dad?

–14th & 8th

Shut Up, T!

Old lady: My grandson Brad and his Jewish wife had a baby.
Old man: That’s very nice. And they’re all doing well?
Old lady: I guess.
Old man: What is the baby’s name?
Old lady: I don’t know. Some long Jewish name.
Teenager: They named her ‘Amy,’ Grandma. Her name is Amy.

The United Nations, Encapsulated

Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power.
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power for quite some time now.
Dude #2: What are you, a supervillain? Who’s been underestimating your power? The justice league?
Dude #1: No, the electric company. They say I owe them eight hundred dollars.
Dude #2: Dude, you and I were having two totally different conversations.

–Penn Station

And my personal favorite:

Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let’s go!

–N train

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